Judging Books By their Covers.....

"Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast." (twostrokesmoke)
03/23/2015 at 20:18 • Filed to: None

I'm not opposed to it. Today I give you the Dodge Ram 3500...It is the ugliest thing on American roads right now....seriously. They had to try pretty hard to make something that by comparison, makes an Aztek look like a handsome machine.

Dodge, you disgust me. Even in red....it's just horrible.

DISCUSSION (45)

jkm7680 > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:21

Cuz, it's a Fiat Ducato

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:25

Function over form. Exactly how it should be for work vans.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:25

It even looks worse as what it really is..

Kinja'd!!!

Birddog > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:26

I dunno man. I'm pretty buzzed right now and that sucker still looks better than the Aztek and Juke.

jkm7680 > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
03/23/2015 at 20:26

The Peugeot Boxer really isn't much better either.

Kinja'd!!!

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > jkm7680
03/23/2015 at 20:28

They all look like shit really, but some say they are great at what they do (I have no idea who "they" might be though.

jkm7680 > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
03/23/2015 at 20:30

Yeah, they sorta do haha.

I sorta like how Citroen, Peugeot and Fiat all sell the same thing in the same market.

Steve in Manhattan > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:30

It is dumb technology with a Mercedes diesel. You could do worse.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > jkm7680
03/23/2015 at 20:31

PSA FTW ;) Makes sense though, some people would never buy a Pug, but would buy a Citroën, why not build the same car?

Klaus Schmoll > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:32

It's a work horse, nothing else. It's not supposed to be pretty! Rough it up and the headlights are still out of the danger zone. Also, those grey plastic thingys that make it look like it's wearing a gimp mask can be ordered piece-by-piece, so that you only have to replace the inflicted area not a whole bumper. Pretty clever for a tool that has to do its job and nothing else!

jkm7680 > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
03/23/2015 at 20:32

I'm going to go steal a bunch of Citroen, Peugeot and Fiat badging and bring them to a Ram dealer and totally confuse the shit out of everybody trying to buy one.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Klaus Schmoll
03/23/2015 at 20:35

I didn't say it had to be pretty, just a little more handsomeness would have been nice. That thing....bleach. I don't care if it is a rebadged Merc (if they are still doing that) it's still UGLY!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
03/23/2015 at 20:36

Still UGLY no matter what badge you slap on the front of it.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Logansteno: Bought a VW?
03/23/2015 at 20:37

UGLY!!!!!!! U.G.L.Y, you ain't got no alibi, You ugly!!!!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Birddog
03/23/2015 at 20:38

I kind of like the Juke....but, that van....meh~

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > jkm7680
03/23/2015 at 20:39

I'd say that's actually the best of the 3, closely followed by the Ram.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Steve in Manhattan
03/23/2015 at 20:39

Looks like an angry Lego block, at best.

PS9 > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:44

Ram promaster van master man's ram van.

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:45

Actually it does.

The headlights are up that high so they can't be damaged in a light fender bender, making the damage cheaper to fix. That's the same reason the bumpers are unpainted. It's all designed to be cheap to fix in the case of light accidents with poles, buildings, other idiots, etc...

If I were a business owner, that'd be a huge selling point because who the fuck cares about how a work van looks, they're boxes designed to move shit around cheaply and efficiently.

Steve in Manhattan > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:45

Yeah, but get a white one, festoon it with you corporate logo and phone, and it's not that bad.

lonestranger > Steve in Manhattan
03/23/2015 at 20:46

Are you thinking of the Sprinter? I don't think the Ducato has an M-B engine.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Logansteno: Bought a VW?
03/23/2015 at 20:47

See, I'm trying to be unreasonable here....That's kind of my thing around here.

desertdog5051 > Klaus Schmoll
03/23/2015 at 20:48

Klaus, aka the practical party pooper. We Americans care not for practicality. We want bold looks and to hell with the cost to repair. Jeez, next thing you know they will be marking speedometers in Kilometers. Horror :)

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > PS9
03/23/2015 at 20:48

Very Macho.....still ugly.

Birddog > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 20:55

Gaa! It's like an infection!

NOooo!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Birddog
03/23/2015 at 20:56

I just like Nissan's dedication to cars that resemble frogs, I guess.

Steve in Manhattan > lonestranger
03/23/2015 at 20:59

Huh - thought it was the same thing. It's a box. With doors.

Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 21:10

Kinja'd!!!

"Galm 1, Fox two."

Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 21:10

Your unreasonable shtick is bad

AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.

ranwhenparked > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 21:40

Technically, it's a Ram ProMaster 3500, the pickups and vans haven't been Dodges for several years (though I think the Ram Rams still have Dodge VINs, for some reason).

Think of Ram as what Fargo would have been today if Chrysler hadn't sold it to the Turks back in the '70s.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 22:48

It's too bad the Retro trend of the mid 2000's didn't make it to work vans. A smoother newer version of this would be awesome.

Kinja'd!!!

or this

Kinja'd!!!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles
03/23/2015 at 22:50

Glad to see that someone here gets what I'm saying.

fhrblig > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/23/2015 at 23:22

As a fleet manager, I couldn't give a shit what it looks like as long as it does its job well and doesn't break down constantly.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > fhrblig
03/23/2015 at 23:57

Hopefully the large engines from Chrysler are more reliable tan their smaller ones.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
03/23/2015 at 23:59

I don't even care enough to debate that.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/24/2015 at 00:06

I like every funky van out now much better than the generic boxes of yor, Promaster included. My favorite however is the transit.

noise > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/24/2015 at 01:47

Kinja'd!!!

I think this might be the most handsome modern van

fhrblig > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/24/2015 at 07:18

The Pentastar-V6 seems to be pretty good, though we had to rebuild a cylinder head on one of them at 140k.

Haase > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/24/2015 at 10:46

Sherry Vans has been taking these vans and converting them into luxury passenger vans. Premium interior, big HDTVs, the whole package really. You can even get a diesel.

I think painting all of the trim and fascias really help its appearance.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Haase
03/24/2015 at 11:28

It looks a little better....but it still kind of like being the best looking pig on the farm, in the end, it is still a pig.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > fhrblig
03/24/2015 at 11:31

Is that the same Mitsubishi designed v6 that was in the Intrepid or something else? If it is, then I have personal horror stories about it.

fhrblig > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/24/2015 at 15:01

No, this is a new from the ground up 3.6 VVT V6 they introduced in 2011. It makes near 300 hp and in the little Ram Cargo (Caravan-based) vans we get 25 mpg.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > fhrblig
03/24/2015 at 15:12

That's good to know. It was that lousy experience that made me shy away from another Dodge.

fhrblig > Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast.
03/24/2015 at 15:23

We put lots of miles on our vehicles. This one is a 2013 and it already has 144k. It chewed through the flex plate, too, but those are apparently a common problem on the Caravans. Still running well, and for a cargo van it's silly fast.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > fhrblig
03/24/2015 at 15:31

Well. at least it does have an upside. Much like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects it.